Growing Pains

It's been an emotionally, mentally challenging couple of weeks. I've had so many up, down, and all-around thoughts and feelings about this adoption that I really don't know where to start.

We've learned that many of the families that have traveled to Ukraine have come home without children because the SDA is referring severely handicapped or sick children to families who requested healthy children. Some of these families have been able to request more appointments, like Dan and Tracy (whose future daughter is 7), and others have gone home and will attempt again next month. Last week Ross and I began thinking about adopting siblings, but found out that we were only approved for one child, not two, like we originally assumed. We thought maybe bringing two home would increase the likelihood of them being somewhat healthy. In order to change our approval to two, we would have to fill out a motion to reopen our case, update our homestudy, and pay more $. Then once we got to Ukraine, there would be no assurance that siblings would be available.

Today I received an update from our agency that it will not be possible to adopt a healthy child under age 3 from Ukraine. This is also disappointing seeing that we were initially told there were healthy children 14 mo. and older available.

I've always felt that God has led us on this journey and I'm surrendered to His will...now I'm just trying to figure out what it is! I initially thought that if we got to Ukraine and God led us to an older or special needs child, then that would be great. But to know ahead of time that a healthy child younger than Miles is not available, makes me rethink that. Maybe God is leading us in a different direction yet again! I feel so torn knowing that these kids need loving families, but wanting what's best for my kiddos and our family make-up too...and wondering what would be wise and what we could handle!

It's interesting to me that at the beginning of this adoption process I had it all planned out - and God has shown me that He's in control. I recently told a friend who's had the "heart-stirrings" for adoption that I began this journey thinking it was all about us rescuing an orphan and growing our family...I've realized without a doubt that it's been just as much about molding and growing my heart to look more like Jesus'. So no matter what the outcome...an older child or special needs from Ukraine, embarking on yet another country, or just waiting for His leading, I know, without a doubt it'll be OK, 'cause it's all about Him.